Pretty Ugly

6:51 pm Central Time in Mankato, MN.

I do not usually enjoy my life. I thought my life was constantly in terrible. I thought I am the guy with the worst luck in the entire universe. When people say to me "how are you," my favorite reply is "Not too bad." That's actually how I viewed my life. Not good but not bad either. It's boring, lame, and same thing happen again and again. Sometimes I feel tired with my life.

But traveling to Minnesota with my roomate, SJ was really worthwhile. When he asked me to join him to see his brother in Minnesota, I was nervous about the idea. But after giving it a thought, I think it was not such a bad idea. After all, I've been living with three Pakistanis for more than a year. Why not staying with 2 more Pakistanis in three days? I did not really care if I do not understand the hell they are saying. When I was in Mankato, SJ's brother asked me how it feels like staying with them. I told him I'm used to it. He gave me a smile. I bet he did not really understand how I feel. Or maybe he thought I'm weird for staying with people who talk a language that I could not understand. I do not think there are many people like me out there.

So many things happen during the trip. We went to frozen lake and took hell lot of pictures. SJ made a lot of mistakes while driving a big ass Lincoln car. But we came back to Boulder all safe and sound. Still in one piece. At last, I can stop thinking about how bad I am, how terrible my life is, how I am a person with no life and all that craps. Though this also means I have to start working really really hard after this.

My terrible life resume from today.

Song: Mengintai Langit
Artist: Coco

Setiap hariku tulis
Yang ku telah jatuh cinta
Tapi ku rasa bersalah
Tidak ku nyatakan padamu

Adakah engkau merasa
Apa yang sedang ku rasa
Terpanah tancap asmara
Harapnya kau dah terima

Maafkan aku kerna menyintamu
Maaf jika ku tak padan denganmu
Tapi ku berjanji kau juita hati
Akan ku jaga hingga akhir nanti
Maafkan aku terus memujamu
Maaf aku yang terlanjur merindu
Didalam hujan renyai
Aku mengintai langit
Mengharap engkau akan setuju
Menyintai aku

Bernyanyi dan bisikkanlah sayang
Bait kata dalam jiwa
Tak tahan rasanya menanggung kasmara
Dan tak dapatku lelapkan mata
Mengkhayalkanmu bermimpikanmu
Sepanjang malamku

Hehe wow what a great song! Found it by chance on Imeem. It definitely speaks of my situation. Yeah what can I do? No matter how much I like her, for someone as useless as I am, I do not have the right to bug her. Just like this song says, I want to apologize to her for doing too much for her, for trying to be close to her despite knowing her resentful towards me, and for asking her out though I know she does not want to go out with me.

Today Yuya and I made fun of myself. I told him a certain figure rejected my date offer completely. Yuya started calling me loser, which I don't mind because I know who I am. Then I asked him a couple of Japanese phrases and lines for a rejected guy like me. It was funny because I tried so hard to speak in Japanese and lied to Yuya that I'm gonna write those phrase in my email to her. I can hide my dejected feeling from him and everybody else because everything is kinda expected.
_ _
\\_//
(;__;)

This story happened when I was a form four student in high school. My Red Crescent Society teacher demanded a clean skinhead haircut following our loss in high school level marching competition. Regardless of some of my fellow members' disagreement, we all followed the order like soldiers faithfully do whatever is commanded by their superiors. Some of my friend did not get a clean skinhead cut. They just make it short enough to please the teacher. I did as what he wanted. To be honest, I wanted to have that hairstyle. When I first saw Diego came to school with that hairstyle, everybody laughed at him. We called him a monk, a prisoner, botak chin and everything you do not want to hear coming out from your friend's mouth. But to everyone's surprise, the hairstyle was kept getting popular and becoming more accepted.

After I got the hairstyle, I looked at myself in front of the mirror and I realized it did not really look good on me. I never have a good look btw. But I thought the hairstyle make me look worse. I did not complaint since I was born with this look. But sometime I wonder why I can't be taller or more good looking. Anyway, the following day, I received the same treatment from my friends as what Diego received from us before though not as harsh. When I looked at my photo in the school magazine, I realized how stupid I look with this hairstyle in the photo. Even some of my friends agreed. One day, after the school is over, my friends and I sat in class and discussed about the hairstyle we want to have. I told them neither hairstyle seems to look good on me.

So I decided to put on a cap whenever I go out except when I go to school. I felt ashamed with my hairstyle so I thought by wearing a cap, it could cover my hairstyle and face from the girls at my private tutoring class. I looked at myself in the mirror and I thought the cap should work perfectly. Except it didn't. I went to the class, opened the door and went into the class like before. But to my suprised, every girls in the class laughed at me the moment they saw me. I was like what the... I was baffled by why they were laughing and wondering if I did something wrong at all. The guys did not seem to be laughing at me, but they too were wondering why they girls were laughing so much. After a while, I learned from a guy sitting next to me that those girls thought I looked so funny and stupid. Apparently they could not tell why but I just appeared sort of like a clown in the circus.

To be honest, it does not really suprised me at all. Honestly, I know I do not look good to begin with. I thought the cap would at least give me some cover. But it didn't work out as I was planning for.

10 years later...

I grew my hair pretty long now. I did not hear anything bad about my looks anymore. My roommate told me the other day he wished to have long straight black hair like mine. He loathed his black and curly hair. I told him not to worry about his appearance as long as he could be friendly and open with everyone. Which is what he just did over a year. He made a couple of new American and British friends. More than I could make. And he invited them to come over to our apartment last night. At that time, I was having a bad day at the laboratory. I was feeling so hungry and decided to go back to my apartment to have some dinner. The moment before I entered my apartment, I could hear a lot of people were talking. When I entered my apartment, I could see 3 girls and 3 guys including my roommate were sitting in the living room. They were all quite and curious to know who was entering the apartment. I said hi to them, but I could only hear one or two of them saying hi back to me.

I did not introduce myself and pay any attention to them. It was not the first time they saw me but everytime they were here, I hardly talked to any of them. I was thinking they are not my friends and I am not interested to make friends with them so why should I bother talking to them at all. I went to my room and stayed there so half an hour or so. I felt a bit intimidated with the presence of so many strangers in my apartment so I did not dare to go out to the kitchen and grabbed my dinner. I was planning to stay there until they all go back but my stomach is forcing me to go out. So that was just what I did even though I felt so hesitated to do it.

Maybe my hesitation was telling me something. In my apartment, the kitchen is attached to the living room, so in order to get to the kitchen, I have to go pass the living room. At the moment I passed the living room full of my roommate's friends, suddenly, all the loud talks and laughs turned into silence. Not even my roommate was talking. I could feel like everyone's eye is directed to me but I did not dare to look at them. When I was in the kitchen, everyone started to talk again. I did not pay any attention to what they talk, but I could hear they say something about Malaysia like 3 times at least. I was like... WTF? What could they be talking about? I did not bother to listen to what they were talking about. For me, it was totally their rights if they want to talk about Malaysia or me or anything else.

After making my dinner for like 5 minutes, again, I was ready to go back to my room. I was a bit hesitated to go pass them again. I felt like something was not right with me but I did not know what it was. I opened the refrigerator like 5 times pretending that I was searching for food because of my hesitation. But I cannot continue waiting in the kitchen until they all leave. So I have to go pass them again. When I was passing the living room, again, all the talks and chatters stopped. Everybody become quite and all. I walked very quickly to go pass them because once again, I felt like my action was observed by those guys. Just a moment after I went pass the living room, I could hear the girls were laughing really hard. And I could hear at least one guy asked the girls why they were laughing.

Yeah it was that bad. It felt like deja vu to me. The feeling I experienced before came back at me. I am really really sure they were laughing at me. I do not know what they could be thinking about me. But I'm really sure there must be something bad enough about me to make them rolling on the floor laughing out loud.

rumet : Paeh, aku tok sedak duduk la.
paeh : Guano cito pulok? Relax ah.
rumet : Gewe kawe ajok kawe gi Kanada nih.
paeh : Molek sangat lah tuh. Bilo lagi mung nok gi denung.
rumet : Yo lah, tapi kawe raso tok sedak ati la. Mace tok sengoti raso.
paeh : Bakpo pulok nyoh? Beso aa tuh tubik gi jale dengan saing.
rumet : Mung sero lagu mano? Patut ko dok kawe gi denge dio.
paeh : Ho doh. Kalo tok gi loning gak, bilo lagi mung nok gi nyoh. Buke sokmo2 ada pelue lagu ni. Baik mung gi.
rumet : Yo lo jugok tuh. Tapi tok rajing lagi kawe dengar oghe pakiste mace kawe ni tubik gi jale dengan oghe putih come lote serupo dio tuh. Maco tok real raso.
paeh : Tok kiro la oghe putih ko, alien ko, hok peting mung gi jale, enjoy.
rumet : Ho la. Tapi kawe raso tok sedak ati pulok.
paeh : Hok aloh la, ari tu buleh pulok mung gi California denge dio. Takdok hal la. Mung takut gapo nyoh. Takut dia make mung ko?
rumet : Takdok la. Serupo "too good to be true."
paeh : Raso nok suko pun ado denge mung ni. Bendo kecik lagu ni pung jadi besar. Ghoyat je la mung meme nok gi sangat.
rumet : Meme la nok gi pung. Nok tido pun tokleh loning dok pk pasal bendo nih.
paeh : Hok aloh la. Relax la. Wat2 biaso jah.
rumet : Aku meme lagu nih paeh. Bilo excited, aku jadi naling tok tentu pasal.
paeh : ......

rumet : Aku ingat la summer ni aku nok gi jale rumoh dio pulok.
paeh : Molek bena lah tuh. Tapi nok ko dok dia wi mung gi rumoh dio?
rumet : Raso nyo takdok hal. Aku ghoyat doh ko dio.
paeh : Molek la tu. Buleh mung gi jupo femili dio sekali.
rumet : Ho la, tapi aku raso kureng sedak la.
paeh : Bakpo pulok?
rumet : Raso tok cayo la oghe putih serupo dio boleh terimo aku gi rumoh dio.
paeh : (aku raso nok sepak jah budok nih)
rumet : Mung raso lagu mano?
paeh : (dengan sabar) Ok lah tuh. Bilo lagi ado pelue lagu ni (pakai ayat sama).
rumet : Best la pulok raso. Tok cayo raso aku buleh gi jale rumoh dio.
paeh : (nate ning napok agah la pulok) Baik mung gi.
Tapi banyok ko pitih mung nok cover banyok tepat tu.
rumet : Buleh hute dulu dengan kredit kad. Pasal pitih tu kawe tokdok masaloh.
paeh : Baik mung plan molek2 la sebelum mung g tuh.
rumet : Takdok hal, kawe ado saing kat London. Kawe check doh tiket kapal terbang, ketoapi, semuo.
paeh : (huh, mamat ni plan doh rupernyo, kato tok sedak ati).
rumet : raso tok cayo jah aku buleh gi jale rumoh dio.
paeh : ........

rumet : Aku pelik la denga diri aku nih.
paeh : Pasal apo pulok?
rumet : Raso semuo bendo bagus2 jadi kat aku.
paeh : Beso la tuh, kade2 bendo baik berlaku, kade2 bendo tok baik berlaku.
rumet : Yo la. Aku ni buke budok baik sangat pun. Mu tau la aku sokmo2 gi club, party.
paeh : Tok nanti ko mung baik dapat bendo2 baik. Doh mung pun meme nok sangat bendo lagu nih. Tuhe bagi la. Ingat tuh, buleh jadi ujian gok nih.
rumet : Ho la tapi ada lagi bendo baik lain hok jadi kat aku.
paeh : Gapo dio?
rumet : Ari tu aku gi jumper supervisor aku. Dio setuju nok extend scholarship aku untuk so sem lagi. Saing2 aku hok lain, hok lagi pandai dari aku pun, semo tokleh lagi.
paeh : Kalo tokleh lagu mano demo tu nok ngaji?
rumet : Setakat pakai gaji kejo hari2 dengan dio la.
paeh : Alhamdulillah. Baguh la mung boleh. Fuh, meme nasib baik sengoti la mung nih.
(ternampak sekeping nota kecil dari polis)
paeh : Aik? Bakpo mung boleh nota dari polis nih. Mung wat gapo denge anok oghe?
rumet : Takdok lah, polis ghoyat ado oghe jupo wallet aku hok aku hile 5 bule lepas. Budok tu wi ko polis. Polis suruh aku g amik kat balai polis.
paeah : Banyok ko pitih mung dale wallet tu?
rumet : Banyok la jugok, polis tu ghoyat ado lagi pitih dale tuh. Mace tok keno kosek.
paeh : (Fuh, betul jugok ghoyat dio, nasib baik sengoti sangat2)
rumet : Aku pelik pasal apo semuo benda baik jadi ko aku. Aku raso mok aku doa kat tuhe banyok2 kot.
paeh : Baik mung bui hadioh ko mok mung lagu tu gak hehe.
rumet : Raso mace tok cayo bendo2 lagu ni buleh jadi ko aku.
paeh : ........

rumet : Ado breaking news!
paeh : Ado lagi? (dah rasa bosan dengar benda yang sama)
rumet : Ho la, berito beh! Mung keno dengar nih.
paeh : (Nok masuk tido sebenarnya tp takpo, aku duduk ah dengar - mace best)
rumet : Kawe raso ado budok tino suko ko kawe la.
paeh : (Tok abih lagi) Sapo pulok tuh?
rumet : Nih. Oghe putih jugok. Saing gewe kawe ah.
paeh : (Oghe putih jugok - tok aci lagu ni) Huh, yo lo ko. Acu crito sikit aku nok dengar.
rumet : Nok ceghito la nih. Ari tu kawe tubik gi maing skating dengan gewe ambo tuh. Pahtuh
ado la soghe budok tino nih, saing nyo gewe ambo tuh, ngerling2 ko kawe.
paeh : (Nate ning, ari tu aku ajok gi tubik main skating dio tokse ikut). Pahtuh?
rumet : Pahtuh ambo wat dok jo la. Maso main tu kawe dok jatuh2. Dia sibok2 nok offer ajar ambo main cagho2 nok skate. Gapo hok ambo buat, semuo dia support. Ooo baguh la, oo tok payoh ajar banyok reti doh main la. Maso kawe gi rumoh gewe ambo tuh, dio ado jugok. Kawe wat lawok sikit jah, oghe lain dok senyap, dio ngila suko. Ambo chatting dengan dio dale facebook. Kawe suruh dia dengar lagu hinduste, dia suko jugok. Siap dio ghoyat dio nok nari denge kawe bele2 lagu hinduste main mace dale filem bollywood.
paeh : Mung ni sengoti ko nawok nih?
rumet : Sengoti la, hoh tengok profile dio dale facebook.
paeh : Huh, guano sapo lagu temo sekali. Desperate sangat kot haha,
rumet : Tuh la, raso mace tok sedak ati la pulok. Biar benar budok tino nih hehe.
paeh : (Semua tok sedak ati...) Aku raso mung hati2 sikit la. Mace lain benar budok ni nih hehe.
rumet : Nok wat lagu mano eh?
paeh : Molek ah tuh, ado back up bilo gewe mung balik Inggeleng hehe.
rumet : Cheh, aku tanyo sengoti nih.
paeh : Seriously aku meme tok tahu nok ghoyat gapo. Nanti aku tanya member aku la.
Aku nok tido doh nih.
rumet : ......

Hadirku hanya mengganggu hidupmu,
Takkan bahagia perawan dengan otaku,
Ini bukan drama Densha Otoko,
Aku bukan hero macam Ultraman Taro,
Aku hanya layak digelar Nabita,

Walaupun pertemuan kita hanya seketika,
Akan ku ingat sampai bila bila,

chewah ;P

When you were here before,
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel,
Your skin makes me cry

You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so very special

But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice
when I'm not around
You're so very special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here, ohhhh, ohhhh

She's running out the door
She's running out
She run run run run...
run... run...

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so very special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

I don't belong here...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

mungkin ini memang jalan takdirku
mengagumi tanpa di cintai
tak mengapa bagiku asal kau pun bahagia
dengan hidupmu, dengan hidupmu

telah lama kupendam perasaan itu
menunggu hatimu menyambut diriku
tak mengapa bagiku cintaimu pun adalah
bahagia untukku, bahagia untukku

reff:
ku ingin kau tahu diriku di sini menanti dirimu
meski ku tunggu hingga ujung waktuku
dan berharap rasa ini kan abadi untuk selamanya
dan ijinkan aku memeluk dirimu kali ini saja
tuk ucapkan selamat tinggal untuk selamanya
dan biarkan rasa ini bahagia untuk sekejab saja

ok aku kena tulis dlm malay sbb aku tak nak rumet aku paham apa aku tulis kat sini haha...

semalam aku ikut member aku pg party graduasi member dia, yang juga member aku. aku rasa ni fes taim aku pg party omputih (actually mamat tu chikan tp kulit dia putih cam org sepanyol). waktu aku pg tu niat aku nak makan je haha. masuk je, yg aku kenal dalam parti tu ada la 5 org. tu pun setakat kenal gitu gitu jer. mula2 jumpa tuan rumah. dgn dia aku ok la, tp dia sibuk nak layan tetemu so aku sempat cakap dalam 3 mnt je dgn dia. pastu aku borak la dgn 2 3 org mat salleh tp sbb diorang nak layan mem salleh yg lain, so aku sempat la ckp lam 3 mnt. pastu perut aku lapor sbb mmg aku saja tak nak makan sblm sampai parti ni. aku amik biskut buat isi perut. pastu member aku ajak aku g makan. aku ikut belakang dia. yes finally dpt la makan benda berat sikit. lega sikit perut aku. tgh2 makan then member aku nampak member dia yg lain, yg jugak orang2 yg aku kenal gitu2 jer. mem salleh semua. aku ikut member aku borak dgn diorang. aku senyap je sbb mmg aku tak kenal sgt dgn diorang. diorang dh mula rasa pelik sbb aku duduk dalam satu group dgn diorang tp diam langsung tak cakap apa. aku pun rasa semcm yang pelik. aku nak cakap tp aku takut aku tersalah cakap. aku nak buat2 friendly tp segan sbb aku tak kenal sgt dgn diorang.

aku mula rasa tak sdp hati. aku pandang kiri kanan. kat satu corner, ada 3 org duduk tgh tonggang arak syiok layan borak. kat satu sudut yg lain, nampak sorang mat salleh syiok dok peluk2 dgn awek jepun. aku tgk kat sudut lain, nampak member aku omputih gak, dr masa aku sampai smpi masa tu, tak lenggang dia dgn sorang minah asian yg aku rasa mungkin awek dia. cun lak tu chiss haha. pastu aku berpecah dgn diorang sbb mem2 salleh tu cari org lain dia nak borak. aku pg balik kat meja yg ada biskut td. amik 2 3 keping biskut makan. pastu tgk member aku dgn mem salleh tu berkumpul balik kt satu tempat yg lain. aku pun join la sekali sbb aku xder org lain dah aku nak join hehe. tp diorang berdiri dalam bulatan. aku nak join tp cam segan lak sbb nanti aku xder benda gak nak bercakap. so aku berdiri la belakang diroang. dalam 10 minit kot aku berdiri belakang dioranag tu baru diorang perasan aku ada. so diorang ajak aku masuk. aku cam malas sbb nnt aku tak cakap apa gak haha.

lepas tu perkara sama berulang. dioarng syiok borak sama diorang, aku senyap jer. aku nak ikut cakap diorang tp sbb music kuat, aku tak dpt tangkap apa diorang ckp. tp diorang pulak boleh paham apa diorang ckp walaupun jarak masing lebih kurang sama jer dgn aku. yang aku igt, diorang suka mengumpat pasal orang lain. pastu pasal benda yang diorang buat seminggu sebelum parti tu start. ada yang pergi ski, ada yg pergi holiday kat tpt lain. tapi aku rasa the worst part pasal ni, aku tak leh nak tangkap joke diorang. diorang boleh gelak2 sampai nak pecah perut tp aku blur sbb aku tak paham apa yg diorang gelakkan. kadang2 buat2 gelak pun ada saja nak tunjuk yg aku pun tahu ada diorang ckp.

aku rasa masa ni paling teruk sekali, aku jadi bosan tahap dewa, aku langsung tak dengar mahupun pandang kat org2 dalam group aku. aku tgk jauh, aku nampak mamat yang suka peluk minah jepun tu cuba nak cium dia, tp minah jepun tu mcm x nak kena cium. tp dia macam cuba2 nak tolak mamat tu tp mamat tu cam berkeras nak cium dia jugak so dia kena tahan mamat tu dgn tangan. cam dalam filem pulak. aku rasa mamat tu mabuk kot. ataupun minah jepun tu saja nak jual mahal. tp tak pulak minah jepun tu cuba nak tampar dia ke apa. kalo aku wat camtu kat dia, aku rasa lebam dah biji mata aku kena dgn tumit kasut dia.

dalam keadaan gelisah sbb aku tak rasa sedap hati duduk dalam parti camtu, pastu aku nampak member aku mamat jepun datang. aku lambai kat dia. dalam kepala aku, orait, boleh lah aku borak dgn mamat ni. tp belum sempat aku nak bergerak lg, dah ada org dtg sambut dia. x smpi seminit, dia dah masuk group org lain. so tak jadi la aku nak berpecah dgn group aku. tak lama pastu dtg sorang lg member aku mamat cina. aku pun rasa hepi sbb aku rapat gak la dgn dia. tp sbb dia pun kenal ramai org dalam parti tu sama mcm tuan rumah, tak boleh gak la aku nak borak dgn dia lama2.

pastu aku rasa nak kencing sbb aku minum byk air - sbb tu je yg aku mampu nak buat. aku turun tingkat basement. nampak awek jepun tu pun sama nak masuk tandas. tandas utk laki perempuan asing2 so kitaorg tak beratur nak masuk tandas. then aku kuar aku nampak ada satu bilik sebelah tandas tu, dgn pool table kat tgh2 bilik. aku mintak izin tuan rumah aku nak main pool. lepas tu aku masuk bilik tu aku nampak awek jepun tu duduk sebelah sorang budak kecik. budak kecik tu tgh tgk movie. aku tanya awek jepun tu nak main pool tak. dia ckp x nk. waktu aku tgh atur bola pool, dia tinggalkan bilik tu. aku ajak budak tu main. dia pun ok. so aku main dgn dia. lepas main pool, dia tanya aku minat bruce lee ke tak. aku tak sangka budak cam dia kenal bruce lee. sbb aku igt org2 generasi skrang dh tak layan movie bruce lee. aku cakap la bruce lee tu idola aku haha saja nak amik hati dia. dia cam hepi je, ajak aku tgk movie batman dgn dia. aku tak suka layan movie tp sbb aku buhsan layan je la dgn dia. siap dalam bergelap lagi. dia tak suka tgk movie lam bilik terang.

waktu aku tgh layan movie dgn budak tu, datang mamat yg suka kat awek jepun tu turun. aku ty dia apahal, dia ckp saja nak check anak dia. rupa2nya budak yg tgk movie dgn aku tu anak mamat tu. tp mamat tu nampak muda lagi. aku ty budak tu mak ko kat ner. dia ckp mak dia tak duduk dgn dia. aku terkedu tp aku tak nak tanya banyak. aku rasa maybe diorang bercerai atau mak dia dah meninggal. kalo betul mamat tu duda, maybe sbb tu kot dia cam gatal sikit haha.

tk lama pastu, dtg member aku mem salleh tu turun dgn sorang balak. balak tu ajak dia main pool. actually member aku tak pandai main pun, tp balak tu ckp dia boleh ajar. budak yg duduk sebelah aku bisik kat, mamat ni suka kat awek tu. aku pun ckp balik kt dia, kita tgk camner dia tackel awek tu. lepas tu ramai org turun kat basement tu. budak tu cam geram sbb dia takleh tgk movie sbb lampu bilik tu dipasang. aku pun rasa rimas balik bila ramai org kat situ. nasib baik member cina aku td pun ada sekali. aku main bola dgn dia kt basement tu sblh bilik pool.

tak lama pastu turun la awek jepun td join sekaki main pool ramai2 dlm bilik pool tu. dalam hati aku "chesss..."

Eid Mubarak. Seriously, having been living in the US for 5 years, I have lost some motivation to celebrate raya. I'm happy to attend the Eid prayer and go to 3 different friend's house. I had nice traditional Malay meals and cuisines, which I cannot restrain myelf from. Apart from that, there was no fancy cloth and new pair of shoes like I used to have when I was a kid. I think that's pretty much raya for me. I listened to a couple of raya song, but I easily grow tired listening to them for so many years. Raya for me, has lost its meaning.

Call me dull, idealistic, hypocrict, egoistic - whatever you have in mind. I believe there's nothing to celebrate while there are millions of Sudanese still suffering from civil war - facing depression, famine, insecurity, and hopelessness. Millions other in other part of Africa inflicted with blood diamond do not fare any better. The problem grew so intense, so deep into the history, that it might have reached the point of no return. Maybe you don't like to look too far beyond Indian Ocean. So, look at our fellow Malaysians in Penang. Some villages were hit by massive flashfloods a day before Eid. Fortunately, it was not a total disaster and many of them were still able to celebrate Eid despite all the hardship, lost of properties, mud and mess left by floodwater.

I'm not against celebrating Raya. WhatI really want to point out here is think about the fate of people in other countries while you're celebrating Raya. God has granted us plenty of blessings for long - peace, stability, food, joy - we easily take all these things for granted albeit knowing they can be taken away in a snap. I don't blame anybody. If we look back at out history, our country had suffered too before. During the Japanese occupation, all that we can eat was cassava - at least that's what I heard over and over. So, I think our people are just savoring the moment of peace and joy over plenty of good food, chat and joke with friends, playing with childrens and so on.

All the spirit of Ramdhan, remembering those in sufferings by abstaining from food and water during the day, seems to evaporate into thin air once the Adzan of Maghrib on the last day of Ramadhan is called out. During the Ramadhan, people talked about helping the poors, paying zakah and sadaqah, sponsoring iftar for orphans - which are good. Once raya starts, even raya khutbah does not always urge makmum to continue helping those in sufferings. In Malaysia and US alike, imam always like to mention us to be grateful to God because we have completed the fasting succesfully, that we might not be alive for the next Ramadhan, that we should continue praying for God. Again, nothing I'm against with. But I realize how few of them dare to put the inportance of establishing the relationship between human and other human being/animal/plant/environment alike as important as between human and God. If I was wrong, why Islam emphasize on helping other people, treat the animal good, and put the burden of ruling the earth on our shoulder?